also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
