My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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