I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
