just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
