youre lurking in front of me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
