Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
