i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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