If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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