does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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