Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
