THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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