Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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