I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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