Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
