so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
