I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
