and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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