I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
