just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
