Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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