We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm like, not good at living.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
