Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
