Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
