Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Your topless pictures make me question reality
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
