Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
