I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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