I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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