Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Randomize
