Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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