Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize