You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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