3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
