Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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