i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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