At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
