see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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