Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
