He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He passed out mid-signature
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize