Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
