I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
