I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize