ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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