In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You're a waste of cheezeits
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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