There was a lot of him and a little penis
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize