I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
