Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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