I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
