really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
