your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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