dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
