I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Bring me that man meat
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize