I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
