Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
