I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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