i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
