My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize