I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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