Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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