I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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