i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
