you will always have a special place in my vag
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
