what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
