best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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