Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
