How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
